Letting the Heart Lead

This morning, I heard someone share an insightful thought that I want to share with you. She said that, while our minds are full of anxiety, rules, and “shoulds”, our hearts are simpler. She said our hearts just want to express rather than impress. Our minds want to accomplish and do, while our hearts just want to love and connect.

This made me think about people who are living with dementia (as most things do). It often surprises people when I say that I experience some of the deepest moments of meaningful connection with people who have dementia, even late-stage dementia. It’s hard for me to explain why I more easily feel a heart-to-heart connection with people who have dementia, but this quote is a great way to explain it!

As dementia impairs brain function more and more, people with Alzheimer’s (or another dementia) have no choice but to rely more on their hearts than on their minds as they move through each day. So, they are more likely than most to let their hearts lead. This is why I often coach care partners to focus on feelings, rather than logic, when trying to support positive interactions. I certainly understand why people with dementia (and their family or friends) grieve the loss of the brain’s ability to do what they used to do or to follow social norms and present themselves as they always have in the past. But it’s also important to look for the strengths that these changes can also bring out. One of those strengths is the new freedom it can bring to their hearts.

As the brain loses the ability to follow the expectations and rules that may have kept them from fully expressing their emotions in the past, interactions can become a little more emotionally charged which can create challenges at times. But, expressing emotions more openly can also lead to deeper connection with those around them. I experienced this with my own grandmother decades ago. She had always followed society’s rules very carefully and had been pretty guarded in sharing her emotions, or even any stories about her childhood, with me. But, as Alzheimer’s took more and more of her recent memory and her social inhibitions, she started to share more about her childhood and express her emotions more openly with me. These conversations in memory care brought our hearts closer than I’d felt in all of our previous years together, even though she no longer knew my name or that I was her granddaughter.

My heart has also been touched many times by the simple, yet very emotionally deep, conversations that arise when I take a little time to just sit down and listen to someone (who I might not even know that well) in memory care. There is so much wisdom and love in their hearts that they still want to share. But, sadly, they don’t always have many people who will take the time to just stop and patiently listen long enough for them to express it in whatever way dementia still lets them.

Those of us supporting people with dementia, whether our relationship is personal or professional, need to let our hearts lead by setting aside the expectations (and anxiety) that our minds create so that we can accept and welcome the deeper parts of themselves that they are trying to share with us. When we feel anxiety and doubt rising in our minds as we move through the many challenges each day can bring, the best thing we can do for everyone is to consciously decide to set those thoughts aside long enough to trust and follow our hearts. If we spend too much of our energy worrying about how to keep our interactions and daily life the same as they have always been (even as that becomes more and more difficult for the person with dementia), we’ll not only experience more conflict, but we might also miss the truly special moments of just “being” together and connecting with each other on a deeper level.

If you are living with dementia, please continue sharing the wisdom and love in your hearts with those around you. We all have so much to learn from your perspectives!

If you’re supporting someone with dementia, I encourage you to pay attention to when the expectations of your mind start to interfere with your heart’s attempts to connect with them. The more often we ask our minds to rest so that our hearts can lead, the more we’ll get to know and enjoy the new layers of our relationship as we start to share more openly and genuinely with each other. This approach can benefit all of our relationships, but can bring especially wonderful surprises with someone who is living with the obstacles that dementia brings. A great way to start is to just sit down next to each other, let go of assumptions and other worries for a few minutes, maybe even reach out to hold hands, and just “be” together until that warm feeling of connection (and maybe a lovely little story) arises in its own time and own way.

Wishing many moments of special connection for you in this new year!